Monday, March 9, 2015
Sharks brag about Chuck Norris Bite scars
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died
Chuck Norris played Rock Paper and Scissors in front of a mirror and won.
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was canceled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Chuck crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris made stevie wonder flinch
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
Chuck Norris stared at the sun... the sun went blind.
Chuck Norris once drowned a guy, in the Sahara desert
Chuck Norris is the only man that knows how to delete the Recycle Bin .
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade, it killed 50 people. THEN it blew up.
Posted by Lew Jetton at 1:15 PM
Thursday, February 5, 2015
NBC News Anchor Brian Williams has not been having the best of times since he was forced to admit his story about being shot down in Iraq was false....or as he said, he was "mistaken." The internet went wild.....at his expense.
|"The touring was especially hard for me..."|
|"I'll never forget the first Thanksgiving...."|
|"Just as I shouted, JACK! DON'T!....."|
|"I was on my way for an exclusive interview with Dr. King...."|
|"Neil and Buzz were the best...."|
|"Never was I more proud to represent America...."|
|"I'll never forget what Sgt York told me...."|
|"When I worked as a reporter for The Daily Planet..."|
|"It took a few moments to get used to the delay on the live shot..."|
|"In some ways, I never came back home..."|
|"I'll never forget waiting for my turn at the sledge hammer in Berlin..."|
|"I learned a lot from Maverick..."|
|"It was a tremendous honor to be chosen to bring the commandments down..."|
|"I remember telling the General, the time is right, to return..."|
|"I guess I really did, shock the world..."|
|"I was humbled that they asked me to proofread it, before signing..."|
|"I'll never forget 1984. I needed a perfect 10 on the vault, and GOT IT!"|
|"Then I told OJ, let's don't endanger anyone, make this is SLOW SPEED chase..."|
|"I wore the suit, even though it was so much warmer back then..."|
|"I told Mr. Ford, this would be quicker on something I just thought of, an assembly line..."|
|"I leaned over and told the President, I think General Grant is the man you're looking for..."|
Posted by Lew Jetton at 12:37 PM
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Here's her response to why she disabled the comments: Sorry to delete the previous text, but YouTube only gives me so much room for the info. So apparently there are those that didn't understand the whole concept of "disabled commenting" and instead took to messaging me their hate and vitriol. So you have forced me to disable messaging as well. To those that were commenting "Chin up, you did the right thing" I thank you. Your comments, while I might not have had time to respond to all, were read. To those in the media wanting interviews, I'm sure you'll be able to find another way to reach me. To those internet trolls who have nothing better to do with their day than go all over the interwebs and spread hate... do me a favor? Look up some Bob Marley music on YouTube, because you could use a little enlightenment and a better mood. Today has been interesting to say the least. I've done more talking in the past two days than I've done in my collective life it seems. It's been scary at times, and shocking. I never intended for this to go this viral. I'm a very private person and enjoy my peace and quiet with my dog, my fish, and my ukulele. I've never shaken so much from nerves and honestly I'm not sleeping well over this... partly because Good Morning America woke me up at 6 this morning wanting permission to use my video on their show. Apparently this has made all of the media rounds. The Today Show, GMA, Jimmy Kimmel, and it's blown up worldwide. But hey, if Jimmy Fallon wants a personal interview... I'll be there! While I'm completely humbled at how fast the internet has taken and run with this, it's quite scary. The comments, while most being funny and witty, some are hateful, vengeful, and heartbreaking. I would NEVER wish death upon anyone. I can't comprehend what would make a person say that to someone. It's nearly brought me to tears. I'm a very sensitive soul. Some people have commented and told me I should do the ads on here to make money, and as of now, it's on!!! I'd like to thank all the fine folks on G+ that helped me out. I just want this media frenzy to end though. It was not my intention for this to get so big. It was a funny video, I thought it would get maybe a few thousand views at best, but this is just crazy. Of all the important things going on around the world, civil wars erupting in countries all around the globe, and the fact that it's almost 2015 and we still have no hoverboard or flying cars (Bob Zemeckis, one of my favorite directors... you lied to us!), I find it hilarious that these videos go so viral so fast. It's overwhelming. Especially since I'm kind of "anti-pop culture". It's really weird. Next thing I know I'll be seeing a T-Shirt saying "Haha, that's what you get!" Please... don't. Or do... as long as I get a cut ;) I would like to thank some of the folks I spoke with today via the phone. Inside Edition was amazing to interview with, both respectful and courteous. Todd Schnitt from the Schnitt Show, of which I'm a huge fan of, was AMAZING! Thank you so much. Cowhead (yes that's his name) from the Cowhead Show, thank you so much for being so cool. To all the local Tampa affiliates and everyone I mentioned above that respected my privacy I appreciate that. Unfortunately there are those in the media that have released my full name even after I asked them not to, hiding behind a "public record" excuse, you know who you are, that wasn't cool. And on top of that, they put my location too. Gee, I've already mentioned the people wishing death upon me, you just put my life at risk! Thanks for that. But I digress. Hopefully in a few days this will run its course and I can get back to being little old me. As the Fresh Prince sang, "My life got flipped-turned upside down". PS to all the Redditors out there... while I am a member of Reddit, the people that are posting my video on there... aren't me. So don't hate on the OP, they're just trying to steal some Karma, and honestly, they can have it.
Posted by Lew Jetton at 11:18 AM